Now I'm not trying to nag at you, like your former roommate Greg, who was always complaining that you were using too much of his shaving cream, or borrowing his toothbrush, or using the last few squirts of his cologne. It's just that a filthy bathroom could lead to more complications--like if you have guests, or god forbid, a member of the opposite sex over to your hallowed bachelor grounds.

Let's begin with the pre-emptive strategies. These are the preventative measures you can take to reduce the eventual need to clean, scrub, scrape, chip, or peel. The easiest solution that comes to mind immediately, is the toilet puck. This may appear to you as 2000 Flushes™, Tidy Bowl™, or some other blue-green tablet that will work its magic in your toilet reservoir. Anything that makes your toilet water blue will keep you from having to put your arm inside the bowl. These control agents can be costly, but even the dollar-store varieties do their job well enough to keep that toilet brush from leaving its place under the sink.

When you eventually have to do some toilet maintenance you have two choices. One, you could remove the lid and seat entirely, thus eliminating any potential build-up around the hinges and behind the seat--but there will be some work involved to remove this. You're still likely going to have to remove the *cough* pubic allocations around the rim of your sanitary vessel. The other risk is that of potentially falling into your toilet bowl, which can lead to other hygienic complications, and may require you to shower before the normal scheduling (see my article on showering). With the seat in place, you may have to consider leaving it down after every sanitary action. That way, you will never see the accumulation of crud building up on its underside. Of course, some men will offer you the solution of just doing all of your business sitting down anyway, which could potentially reduce the area you soil, but that just doesn't sound manly to me. Ladies, I'm sure you have a totally different attitude towards this, and I have no problem with that; I just don't want to discuss it in this column. I'd rather just not know.

Now, one word comes to mind for the total and complete cleaning package--bleach. Now, I'm sorry to all those environmentalists who are offended by the word "bleach". Feel free to substitute the word "vinegar" in its place. If you had to deal with the severe toxicity of my bathroom, I'm sure you'd understand. Let us continue.

Bleach is an amazing, yet dangerous, miracle liquid. One must be just a little cautious when using bleach, as it has the ability to turn your Levi's into retro-age acid wash jeans. May I recommend that you go all out and put on the industrial coveralls for maximum bleach protection, or conversely, strip down to your shorts, and deal with the bleach-splashes as they occur. Distribute the bleach as liberally as you like, but be careful to not stay in the bathroom too long with the bleachy fumes. (Remember what happened when we painted mom's sewing room with the door and window closed?)

The shower and tub are a non-issue. We only use that a couple times a week, and what little grime attempts to breed there is sprayed away by the glorious wonder-chemical Tilex™ that your mother brought over with the emergency hamper. Even I can handle a couple of squeezes after my semi-weekly shower.

The sink and mirror are totally up to you. Nobody expects this area to ever be totally clean. How can it, when you're squeezing your face every day, in addition to brushing, combing, gargling, shaving, scraping, tweezing, picking and maybe even washing. A little bit of tolerance in this area will be granted by any guest you receive, within reason. If necessary, just throw everything into a small bucket, and run a rag or a dirty t-shirt over the top. Remember, paper towels are a luxury, and should be used sparingly.

Oh, one last thing. Trash any of those fluffy, girly toilet seat covers, and their matching toilet-shaped cousins. Those things are just a little effeminate, and are only going to give you grief. And the shower curtain? Well, that's an option. Personally, I don't have one. I have mastered the ability to deflect all of the shower waters back inside the tub, using clever contortioning. The shower head is at such an angle that it allows me to keep the splashes to a minimum.